dreroxursox

WELCOME TO 2009

So I had sometime before gossip girl. Lol. Minus well through down a post. So it's been a minute, I mean, Christmas, New Years have past and a lot of changes have happened. So to keep ti short and sweet, I have been dealing with a lot, learning to deal with myself, learning to deal with that I am a 20 year old father and the older my daughter gets the more responsibility. I have had to learn that Elyse (although never has been) is not a naive little girl. She understands and asks one to many questions. You tell me what 4 year old comes to her dad and says, whats sex I heard Tio JJ say something to Lawrence about it. WOW that was tough.

Christmas was good Elyse has become the one girl band she has a million and one instruments and she plays them all. What can I say she takes after her Daddy. Lol. I spent Christmas with a bunch of friends and family and it was a very enjoyable time. I actually spent a lot of time catching up with Sid this Christmas. I know a lot of people would think it's weird that after all Sid and I have gone through that we still even want to communicate. But we noticed that are friendship is really strong. Plus as many times as we tried to stay away and never talk to each other it never works. Lol. So we decided that we are adults and we can coexist. Only unfortunate situation was that she was in NYC and we were pretty close to each other and we couldn't hang out. But that's life and hopefully it will get better.

I lost my brother to drug overdose after Christmas. It was rough because at first I needed to blame someone for his death, and I pinned it on his mom for pulling the plug and not giving him a chance to live. She took him off of life support and just let him die. After all the blaming I had to be honest with myself, was the Rob that overdosed event he Rob I knew? Would he ever wake up and be the same person? Did he want to die and that's why he put himself in the situations he did? I t was hard at first for me and my brother JJ but we have learned that we can't live our lives blaming people and hoping Rob was still here. We have to be happy that we are still alike and in good health and just living.

New Years was very quiet, I spent it with Elyse and my family and it was very quiet. But I wanted it like that I didn't want a crazy party. So i was glad I spent it that way. Heidi came over after her family gathering and hung out with my family and we discussed our situation. Heidi and I have this crazy attraction for each other and we always seem to stare at each other and end up making out and its getting a little nuts when almost sex has been an incident more then once.

We have decided to date but not be anything completely exclusive. We have both done a lot of damage to each other and maybe if we just deal with the fact that we have a strong liking for each other, and we find each other challenging things could actually work out. Well things kinda became exclusive as of friday night. I was actually ready to be exclusive with someone again, I haven't felt actually really ready for a long time and I was like "wow I'm ready for you." It all happened after having a great time at the most def concert. We were taking the train with a bunch of our friends at about 3 am. Don't get me wrong though in NYC 3 am minus well be rush hour, same amount of people. As I'm sitting next to her I go to grab her hand and she pulls away, and I looked at her and asked her whats wrong. She told me she couldn't continue teasing herself we could date but until I was ready to have her whole hearted not t expect anything. I have never been rejected like that before but she was right. I didn't exactly know how to react but as I thought about what she said it was interesting, this girl does a lot for me and she challenges me intellectually and romantically and she shows me she cares, she was there through my brothers death, shes there to help me with Elyse, even at her age she excepts me as a father, and she respects me for how hard working I am. And most importantly she respects herself to not get carried away with me. I'm not exactly dating other people. Nor do I really want to, I always had a great time on our dates and she really made me look at myself in a different view point. Everyone always looks at me in a specific angle and she actually looked outside of the box and got to know what I was about. So i gave it a chance and as of saturday January 10th, we have been exclusive. I'm not exactly sure what the future will bring but I'm willing to roll with it.

Well Gossip Girl is about to start so.... Deuce much love

P.S. I hope everything is good Sid... Write a post when you have time just so I know you're living well. much love, Dre <3

Well, Thanksgiving was a night to remember....

One for the books I might add. My entire family went up to my house in Upstate NY. My cousins flew in from Boston, and people flew in from Florida it was huge. We had a lot of family and friends around. My assistant Oliver stayed with me all weekend and he spent thanksgiving with my family. Our wonderful family friends the Guzman's joined (heidi included...lol). But we had a fun filled evenng. There was eating and dancing and truth to be told thanksgiving night. So, Heidi's mom Glenys and I were sitting next to each other on the couch talking about what I've been up to. As usual with Glenys she had to tell me what Heidi was up to. I was determined to not make thanksgiving awkward with Heidi because its a waste of time. Glenys was telling me how Heidi was looking to go to an Ivy School and her top choices are Columbia, NYU, Dartmoth, and Yale. Now glenys does not want Heidi to leave good old NY so she hopes Heidi gets into NYU or Columbia. Heidi is smart and has an emaculate transcript and can get into either but that wasn't the point of the conversation. Glenys decided to apologize to me for Heidi breaking up with me for another guy. Now, I do remember Heidi breaking up wth me. I also remember it being because she wasnt ready for a relationship. But, I did not know there was another guy involved. I wasn't upset because at the time there was kind of another girl involved. Instead i just let it go until it came up in reglar conversation that evening.

As everyone is having a good time, I was bored and wanted to finish watching the 1st season of gossip girl so that I could get this bet over with. I saw Heidi bored as hell. So i go over to ehr and say, " Im about to go watch gossip girl, do you want to join?" And she replys, "YES thank you for saving me from these old folk." So we go upstairs close the door of the master bedroom, lay on the bed, grab the MacBook, and start watching Gossip Girl. every person whow alked in teh room was like " OH SHIT my fault." All i could do was laugh. They all thought we were hooking up. After having a few good laughs at these crazy rich people, Glenys walks in. You would think the mother was pissed that her 17 year old daughter was sittingso close to the 20 year old guy who she once dated. NOPE! Not Glenys she saw us and had the hugest smile on her face. On her way out saying " have fun" through a smile. Damn Shame. So, we ignored it watched a few more episodes and went down stairs to watch everyone dance and stummble from the alcohol.
 
Heidi and I were talking and she was telling me how she needed a job so it would look good on her transcript and she needed another letter of recomendation. So on and So on. Then people started leaving except for my sister and her family, me and elyse, and Glenys, Felo (Heidi's dad), and Heidi.  I was new to discover that Zeny ( my older sister) and Heidi talk often about life. as i walk to the kitchen I hear Zeny exclaim " OHH GOSH HEIDI, why are u still chasing after that idiot he cant handle you. He's just stringing you along. He wants a pencil fro a girlfriend liek the ones that go to school with you in Dalton. You are obviously not a pencil." Now Heidi is far from your average, 100 pound, stick figure girl from dalton. Heidi is BANGING!! in capitals. She just like i like, nice ass, nice set of twins, and gorgeous face, with curves in all the right places. NOTHING LIKE THE DALTON GIRLS. So I stepped in and say " If the guy you droped me fro isn't paying mind because you are thick in all the right places, then Zeny has a point eh can't handle you." As she blushes she says, " I think he likes me, but he's always busy, and has no time for me." " Well Heidi, if he can't make time for you because he's busy he's not interested. When you have a girl like you on your arm you make time. I know I did. Your gorgeous and youc an have any guy you want, don't chase after a lame." I said my peice went back upstairs and got ready for MIDNIGHT MADNESS at the outlets while ehr and Zeny continued talking.

Glenys decided to go to the outlets as well and so Heidi came along, alex stayed with the kids. Well I was a little nervous because Liz ( my current girlfriend) was going to meet me at the outlets with her friends. Showing up with Heidi who she knows is my ex, might not be a good conversation for me to deal with. But, we went and Liz saw that iw as with Hedi, and was very calm about everything. TOO  calm for my understanding. But, I let it go because god knows i did nto need an argument this early in the relationship. As we walk throught the outlet Heidi continues to say how she could buy so much if she had money. So, I gave her a job as my buisness assistant. Liz didnt't give me a smile about that one.

Idk how this is gonna work...

We'll See
 

So...
Things have been interesting. Liz has been back and forth from DC to NY doing her poetry thing and we've been chillin and I was straight up real with her.

( AIM FLOW )

 So Friday we went to the movies and Zila was there with everyone I did not want to see. And then shit happens.  My little sister is good friends with my ex Heidi. Becks thought it was ok to sell one of MY twilight tickets to Heidi. So, TADA there was Heidi. Her eyes were peircing through my head the whole damn night. It was like she was trying to blow me up. If I remember correctly she broke up with me because she couldnt handle it. Well, Liz seemed to find it funny. But we got to chill after, we dropped off her cuzin, we got some Coffee, and we walked Uptown. It was nice. I wasn't used to it. Very different from my past.

This Kanye Heartless track has me going BANANAS... i didn't know why i liked it so much but i figured it out... I minus well be Kanye... because that song is all about me


KANYE WEST - HEARTLESS LYRICS

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 1]
How could you be so, cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You know need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me
And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 2]
How could be so Dr. Evil, you bringin' out a side of me that I dont know.. 
You decided we weren't gon' speak so
Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone
Why does she be so mad at me fo'
Homie I dont know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, I won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go
You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?

[Verse 3]
Talkin', talkin', talkin', talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you
So I got something new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies
I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night...

[Chorus]
In the night, I hear 'em talk,
the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless..
How could you be so heartless?
Oh.. How could you be so heartless?

Why do we love, love? When love seems to hate us?

A man who threatens to leave, will one day regret his threat.
One day that women is going to ask you to leave or you might just threaten to leave again and she won't chase after you or beg you or ask you to stay. She will let you go and when you want to return she will no longer be waiting for you.

But this post is not about a mans threats.
This a about "ethics"

It is unethical to love someone and be in a relationship with someone else.
It is unethical to know that your significant other loves someone that is not you and you stick around for the pain.
It is unethical to allow someone to open themselves completely and lay their heart and soul in front of you and walk away.
It is unethical to not feel love when someone says I LOVE YOU but to hope that the words were coming from someone else.
It is unethical to tell someone how important they are to you and for them to never forget you, but you forget them seconds later.
It is unethical to think of yourself and your feelings but completely forget about the feelings of the person who would give you their all.
It is unethical for a man to stick around and be beaten and punished and treated cruelly and not have the heart to walk away.
It is unethical that at a time of Hope and Progress, chance is not given to the person who loves you more then their own life.
It is unethical to fight the battle for someones heart, a heart you have already won, a heart u still contain in your possession.
It is unethical to fight for someone who no longer wishes to be yours, but also doesn't know what they wish for.
It is unethical to feel like a failure for another persons burden.

A person can hurt themselves worse then they can hurt anyone else.
Why must we hurt ourselves; be in pain and live that way far from happiness?
Why does the selfless man lose and the greedy man wins?
Why does the selfless man continue to be taken as a joke and stepped on?
Why does the selfless man love the selfishness of another person?

Well this selfless man still has no idea why he sticks around. Why he allows his heart to be severed from his chest and thrown on the ground and walked away from time and time again. This selfless man does not understand why he cannot find someone to love the way he loves her. This selfless man does not understand the meaning of NO. That was once a good trait to the selfless man but it now has become the selfless mans worst enemy.The selfless man has tugged and pulled and hoped and wished and prayed that she could understand how the selfless man truly felt. How the selfless man, who was once selfish deserved a bit of happiness. But not every selfless man gets what he wishes for. So this selfless man suffers; cries himself to sleep and disguises himself with many different faces. Disguises himself in the arms of man women. In the hearts of those women and when the selfless man feels they are getting to close he becomes selfish and walks away from them. But what is the selfless man really walking away from? A person who could love him the way he wants to be loved? Or is he running from knowing he could never give that person the love that they have given him?
The selfless man does not know. The selfless man does not understand why he still stands alone after all the passion and love and selflessness he has given. The selfless man can only hope and pray that the once selfish women can one day think of the selfless mans feelings and be as selfless as the man has been for years.

Ethics is about knowing wrong from right
Knowing the path to take, to follow your heart, to not fear being lonely but to feel safe while feeling lonely because you know no matter how far, the selfless man will be there to protect you.

Story's from the Selfless Man

This is my girl Liz she be killing it... DAMN I lost that fine ass shorty...lol... much love baby girl...

http://www.bet.com/onblast/?chan=4&id=2347&sub=1&itype=v


KNOWLEDGE

ROB US NOT OF THIS MOMENT:

Within minutes of Obama being declared the president elect I was bombarded with comments such as “I weep for the nation”… “ I’m in saddened disbelief”… “there goes our country”… “Obama will ruin our nation". Most, came directly from people through verbal conversation. Statements such as these have continued through yesterday and this morning. And to be honest every single one of these comments has come by way of my white brothers and sisters in Christ who were saddened by the fact that our next leader will not uphold the sanctity of life (True, this was not the only issue but it did seem to be the core concern).

Speaking as a man from african roots these comments have inflamed me with a vile taste of bitterness in my mouth. The bitterness is not due to the legitimacy of these ethical concerns, but rather the bitterness is rooted in the fact that there was no reverence for that moment in history and what it meant and what it means for African Americans as well as what it will mean for our generations to come. Tuesday night was a moment in which we ALL both black and white, democrat and republican should have been silent and watching with a deep awe in our hearts understanding the inspiring significance this will have for a historically oppressed people group. YES the issue of abortion is supremely important and needs to be vigorously addressed, BUT tuesday night and even still today is not the time to shoot out your frustrations and negative/cynical comments neither is it the time to walk around with faces of disapproval and discouragement.

I adamantly DO NOT support abortion or gay marriage and I was critical of Obama for that issue and I will continue to challenge his stance on that, however when he became our president elect I was drawn to give him that honor and allow myself to be captivated by what this means to black people all across this country. To my white brothers and sisters I exhort you not to rob us of this moment. When he becomes president you will have four years to scrutinize and challenge both him and his leadership (and I will certainly join you in that), but to scrutinize him in this moment is highly disrespectful and a slap in the face to black people across this nation and to black people over the last 300 years. There was a time when black people were forced to work hours upon hours in the sunshine of oppression. Today and going forth until January we have the opportunity to finally enjoy a brief minute in the sunshine of pride. Tuesday night was a moment in which the glass ceiling that has been placed upon all people was finally pierced. Many people for the first time were actually enabled to believe that they could be whatever they wanted to be. The tears of Jesse Jackson told the story of my people. His tears reminded us of slavery when our women were raped, our children were sold and our backs were whipped. His tears reminded us how we became a free people only to find that we could not vote and to realize that the KKK still owned our rights in the south. His tears reminded us of how we had to sit on the back of a bus and attend schools that were separate but NOT Equal. His tears reminded us of how Martin Luther King declared that we would overcome and was tragically taken from us because he spoke the truth. His tears along with the tears of my grandmother reminded us of a generation that never thought such a day would ever come……. do not rob us of this moment.

the point that I am driving home has nothing to do with whether or not Obama was the best choice or even the most God honoring choice, but rather it has entirely to do with the fact that he was elected and to make comments that fail to give him that honor or to make comments that tear him down in anyway is completely inappropriate at this time and at this moment, which is possibly the proudest day in the history of the people with african decent. I even dare to say that the disappointment that many feel over the loss of John McCain cannot compare to the inspiration that myself and millions of blacks feel concerning the election of Obama even in spite of the sharp ethical disagreements that myself and many of you have with him. so please do your African American brothers and sisters a favor and hold your tongues until our next president steps into office so that we might revel in the awe of the moment…..John McCain’s speech was wonderful in accomplishing this end.

Sadly I realize that many of you will not understand unless you have ever been unjustly pulled over by a cop and accused of smoking weed. Maybe you won’t understand this unless you have asked a girl out on a date only to find that her parents were not racist, but rather they were “uncomfortable” with your complexion. Maybe you wouldn’t understand unless you know about the time your grandfather was beaten up in a diner for sitting on the wrong side, maybe you wouldn’t understand unless you knew what it was like to be the wife of a black man wrongfully shot hours after his wedding……unless you are of African heritage I don’t expect you to fully understand these things, but I do expect you to in the very least to stand in awe of the moment and what it means to the millions of people of this nation……I expect you to let us enjoy this moment and let the scrutiny come when he becomes president….I expect you to pray that God Change his very heart on the moral issues which I too hold very dear to my own heart….I expect you to allow us to be proud for a moment. And to show honor to your next president.

"love is a temporary madness. it erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. and when it subsides you have to make a decision. you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. because this is what love is. love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. that is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are."

I know I can’t keep livin old memories
What if where this is turning, this isn’t meant to be?
We used to get lifted
And now we crave it so insatiably
And lately I’ve been missing all the little things
- Goapele "Different"


venting in lyric....

I haven't written in this thing in a while... But that means things have been good... well most things... I mean work is good, school is good, Elyse is good which means I'm pretty good...

I broke up with Hiedi... I could not deal with a child for a girlfriend... Got tired of her loud ass mouth yelling all the time about nothing and always putting her fingers in my face... I moved on and I'm back to the old me...

I have noticed that all girls want is attention, and they don't care if they hurt you to get it... Sooooo, I have come to a conclusion that I am gonna be a dick to all of the attention hungry females... I'm gonna treat them like they deserve to be treated they seem to not care about my feelings so I no longer give to shits about there's...

At this moment I have my weekday chick and my weekend chick... Both dumb fly both crave attention... My weekday chick gets breakfast and lunch and that's it, no dinner. Way to intimate... We chill Monday, Wednesday, and, Thursday and that's enough...She's satisfied I guess... OH WELL if she isn't...

My weekend chick and I have a lot in common she has her weekday dude... There is nothing but truth in are relationship I know what shes doing and vice-versa no jealousy and her family likes me better... My weekends are mad fun... movies, concerts, fun... She could be my ideal shorty IIIIIF I trusted her... BUT NAAAAAH CHIIILLLL... Her bro is mad cool and he thinks that one day we gonna drop the sides and be together... LMAO we'll see about that... That day is def not soon...

I mean I notice that girls don't want good dudes they love assholes dudes that will treat them like dirt... So god forbid I'm gonna be the odd one treating girls like queens NO SIR... You get what you ask for...

No longer will I fall hard and be stepped on and kicked and abused for some chick... Never again I have looked like a fool to many times before...

Its time for me to keep my LOVE LOCK DOWN!!!

DEUCES

p.s. I know you gonna read this and be like OMG who the hell is this how bought you be the friend you said you would be to me and i can return the favor and me can get back to Australia and keep the peace... I dont want to be enemies... We have been really good friends before anything... I just want to talk to my Sid Shaw...

Well i guess I'm Bella...Ironic
I once thought i was Edward but she was really Edward...
Throws me away without wanting 2, leaves me astray and dead inside...
I try my hardest to revive myself but I've never felt pain like this...
Is this the turning point?
When the strong become weak? When my i count my heart beat to my final breath
The things I said don't matter...
The things I thought were true are not...
The life I once thought i could have I no longer do...
As i sit here and shake furious at myself for losing what I thought i deserved...
Maybe I'm not Bella... Maybe she's Bella but instead of me being the one for her...

I'm Jacob... A werewolf that wants nothing more then to love her...
Will he ever get his chance? Will I?
I might die in anticipation?

I'm a horrible person... To move on and think I could ever care for this person the way I felt about her... Let death come to me because nothing else seems worth living for... Not that she would care...

"I'm a phone call away"
- One must answer the phone for this statement to be true

I guess I'm done trying... I call a TRUCE...

WOW...Big Up to my brother Lin-Manuel Miranda... The biggest talent on broadway. I grew up with this dude and his family led me in the right direction and I'm so glad so see him rewarded for the amazingness for which he is.

BRO I LOVE YOU MAN CONGRATS ON ALL YOUR SUCCESS
( In The Heights )
WASHINGTON HEIGHTS ALL DAY!!!!

I thought that it was about time i update...i wish i could give you good news but i can't my life is crap right now... i deal with so much shit its ridiculous... i feel like digging a hole and staying there... only thing lately that keeps me happy and laughing is my friends... Zor,Z,Nael are the people that keep me good we chill and im straight, but when they are busy i have nothing to do.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wanna be with her but then again i know its not time. i dont wanna lose her but she keeps slipping. i feel horrible because how do you tell someone you love that talking to them hurts you. that the way they speak to you lately makes you not wanna love them anymore. for the first time im not running and i feel like thats all i should do. somtimes its like all that time we spent laughing and loving each other wasn't even worth it. i dont want to be taken seriously when im joking. its like this independent high pedastal is over shadowing all that i ever was to her. I'm not one big on being called hostile names but she seems to think its ok for her to do it. I don't know how much longer i can take this I'm better than you attitude. I feel like she forgets who was there when everyone else droped her, and who was there telling her that those people didn't know her. She can do whatever she pleases its her life. I am just a small part of it. dont make me not want to be apart of it. dont lose me because of your new wants and desires. im not conceited but i know im worth a lot more. i wanna be there, i wanna be with her, i just ask for her to not make me feel like its a good time to just let it all go.


"Imagine that the pillow that you cried on was my chest,
and the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand.
Girl, imagine: if you needed advise about some other guy, I'm the one that comes to mind.
Not tryna hear you tell nobody that I'm just a friend,
just trying to make sure I'm that body that you call your man,
and anytime you need a shoulder -- it's yours, night or day,
but what I'm tryna say is, I wanna be...
The last number you call late at night (said I wanna be),
The first one that you dial when you open your eyes.
Wanna be the one you run to,
wanna be the one that ain't gonna hurt you,
I wanna be yeah, I wanna be yeah..
Be the man making your girl jealous,
be the guy shuttin' down all the fellas..
whatever you need, girl, it's all on me:
soldier, your friend or your lover, girl,
I wanna be..." -Chris Brown

I'm home free and excited I'm tierd of this legal shit. I'm a good dude and it is about time I got credit for it.

shits rough right now because she tellin me she want to be with me but deep down i know she dont. she scared and im kind of like i understand. she scared im gonna run after some other chick. first and for most they come after me no gassin. and they not wort my time. i have had my experience with other females and i know im set its up to her.

shes the only woman that has ever made me a jealous man. i need to control my jealous rage before i get back with her and start yellin at her and "having her on a leash" as her friends would say. i know im ready for forever but i know shes not i just hope she understands soon that im willing to wait.

i dontgo looking for girls so i dont know why i would date anyone else. u never know we both might date other people and come to an understanding that there is no one better for me than her and vice versa. i think she just has a lot to learn and i want to let her live.

im trying to be the least selfish person. she has college coming up and i want her to enjoy it. to run free and do her. im willing to open that door for her let her run out. not calling her a dog but when you let a dog leave they come back if they love you. humans have the same qualities.

i just want to do this right.

with lots of love to give you, love to give you."  - Common "Break My Heart"

"what happen to me happens to lots of men, get deep inlove then you needing some oxygen"

I love that track...

I feel like writing

I might write in this bitch every other day

so what can i say for today other then HELLO AWKWARD!!!!

WELCOME AWKWARD!!!!

that's how i feel shit is awkward...

I mean i never thought i would be in the back

Like i knew i was no longer the driver but i thought maybe ill be the co-pilot...negative not going down like that. I'm in the back seat with the other lames.

this is definitely taking a toll on me.

i thought i was hiding it well

then Nael wanna come at me like 

"So you plan on looking like shit for how long son?" 
"Fuck You Bro"
"im just sayin move on and don't look that way, im pretty sure it will hurt less if u walk foward fast, its like a bandaid"
 
now i would agree with this nigga if my chain wasn't locked around my chest and i could run far but thing is i no longer have the key to the lock on my chain. i gave it to someone to hold for me. and i really dont want it back but then i do but then i dont. i just dont know what to expect any more and i usually have all the answers. 

idk.

I'm a good guy, i need to mend, im broken and common can't fix this one

I need that good love Goapele was talking about

I usually was the one with the air now its hard to have lost it all

"But how do you expect me to live alone with just me cuz my world revolves around you it's hard for me to breathe"

idk.

I'll get by i guess...

I'll try...





 

Don't even know where to start i mean wow...

So talk about I'm down in the slopes 

i really asn't excpecting all this shit to happen now but i guess its life...

i am not gonna talk about my pain and my drama because it would be just a reconsiliation i dont want to remember right now. im trying really hard to let go of somthing i dont want to but sometimes you have to let it fly and if it comes back it will come back with more knowledge, power, independence, and love to give.

end of that

Now im righting a short story and it has started out good but it could be better its getting there tho. i need someone one to proof read but i kinda lost my go to man. so i guess ima have to work on my reviing skills. 

idk why im even writing this im kinda super bored.

its the worse when you have a schedule of somthing you do everynight at the same time and then u stop doing that and its like wtf to do now...

man this is gonna be a rough time for the kid...

i hope god can get me through this one...

Baby Girl has been asking me to write one of these for like months now and i get lazya nd don't but im kinda bored and got time so i thought id write down some stuff. 

Lifes been pretty wild lately kinda tryna figure things out for myself. I've had a few issues with people telling me what to do and now more then ever people are telling me what to do. unlike when i was a kid i would use my fist to fix these situations but as a man consequences come a lot deeper then getting suspended from high school. i've been tryna control my temper lately but its not that easy i think that i have been taking alot of my stress out on steph and it is genuinely hurting are relationship i have to learn how to not hurt the ones i love just because i hurt inside. 

I can be a real jerk when im upset and i kinda lose my head recently i found out some info that is a life or death matter for me and im not sure how to handle it. my new favorite phrase has been I DONT CARE and thats not really how i should handle this situation. i've brushed those off who try to help me and make cry the one that loves me most. 

my wife sent me a beautiful card for valentines day and the card really described well how much she loves me. i continue to feel at a wrong because i feel like i dont diserve it. she doesnt diserve to be pushed away when i have my issues but i always push her i need to learn how to control that. i need to learn how to use her as a vessel then cut her loose when shit hits the fan. 

i guess like everyone else im flawed and i have to work on my flaws before i loose the most important people in my life.

I thought i would write somthing since i havent written in a while. On some real shyt my life is all fucked up right now. Only good thing is the money ive been getting my hands on latley. 

I'm losing my mind and my friends. 

I finally realize what a specific person has been thinking and im about to make all their dreams come true. 

Thats life you win some you lose some. Its sad it took live journal to understand. 

I got ex -girlfriend issues, With more than one ex-girlfriend. 

One chick is tryna take me to court for some stupid shit. She must have forgotten that im taken care of her son as we speak. That kid aint even mine but he been in my house with me for about a week. But im not gonna let that stress me cuz there is nothing that she can pull that i wont win. 

The second chick got my head all fucked up. I dont even know what i want i cant think straight one moment i dont wanna deal with her the next i cant let her go. I have been having a tough time tryna figure out why she threatens to kick me out her life but won't let go. Everytime i give her a chance to run she stays. I can tell she wants to run but doesn't know how. She claimed she will never find better but i can see now that that has not stopped her from lookin. I dont take it to seriously cuz shes not my girl but i just wish she told me that she was lookin for somthing else or somthing new. I wish her luck. 
I might move on myself. But its not as easy as it looks i dont wanna get with a girl and compare her to my ex cuz thats not fair to her. But i guess that shouldn't stop me from looking. Their is this dime i go to school with she OD cool but i could never see myself with her. she always tryna flirt and try to chill with me but i stay away. Any other time before my last relationship i would have been rollin with her since someone asked for a break, but i cant even look at her that way without having someone elses face pop into my head. 

Maybe im not ready. I dont think ill be ready for a while. i guess ill stick with my peoples and be single for a while. Im not into that playa aspect so i dont know how we gonna chill much but ill figure somthing out. I really didnt want to come out of this with my heart broken.